1 step forward, 3 steps back. 

Last night I went to yoga and I always love going to yoga when I’m troubled or sad because it just makes me feel so damn empowered, it reminds me that peace is attainable and it is the answer. So last night after having an off start to my week I went to yoga. And I cried. If hr in the middle of class I cried. Leah, my yoga instructor, said something that really stuck out to me and she said. “Imagine what your life would be like if you chose peace over worry” And it immediately dawned on me that recently I’ve been so low and it’s because I haven’t been to yoga in a couple weeks and yoga brings me back down to my peace. It reminds me how to handle situations. And yesterday when I was feeling really lost I went to yoga and felt completely grounded when I left. And it lead me to this explanation for my situation with Matt. I have decided I need to be free from worry. And just enjoy the now. Because in reality I’m leaving in 10 weeks. And I’m not sure that I’ll ever be as close as I am to him now ever again. So I need to take advantage of that. But keep my distance from feelings. Let what happens happen. But don’t worry about the future or the past, but rather just engage in the now. Enjoy the now. Imagine what could happen if I chose peace over worry. 

Can I be naive and stupid and honest and just say that I miss Matt. After seeing him 4 times last week and not having seen him in 2 days it feels weird. He became part of my routine. 

Can I be selfish and just say that I miss Matt. I know this is stupid and I deserve more than to be a second choice. But I just miss him. Maybe it’s not even him but more so the thought of having someone that enjoyed me so much. That enjoyed my time and wanted to be with me and looked at me longingly like I somehow made his day a little bit better just by being closer to him, just by smiling. And it makes me sad. Because I know I deserve more. I deserve someone who wants to be with me. No questions asked but he’s just been there through it all. Through middle school, and then high school, and then college and past all my college boyfriends and he was there through my hardest point in my life. He’s been great. After every bad dream, every sad day, he’s there. And it just sucks because of course there have ALWAYS been feelings there. Always. But now that the chance has come, except in reality it hasn’t come. But now that it’s being opened up, I feel more lost than ever. I don’t even know why I’m considering it because it’s not an option. Not right now. Not until he knows what he’s doing with Sabrina. And who knows when that will be. 🙆🏼😩 that’s how I feel. Idkk what to do or how to feel or how to act but I know how I do feel. And well… That scares the shit out of me. 

Standstill

It’s been 4 months and 25 days since the incident. And I really thought for a while that I was getting better, but then I started talking to this guy and all I could think about was how much I missed Kurt and being able to say I love you and mean it and being able to be completely comfortable no matter what the situation, however no matter how much I miss that I really can’t get past him not being there for me. And I know I sound like a broken record, like come on Megan just get over it and move the fuck on. But I cant and I’m trying so hard, but every time I meet someone nice and get to talking to them and it gets good and then I have to hang out with them and I get distant and back down because I either don’t trust them or they aren’t Kurt and they’re not someone I can see myself with because I don’t see myself as worthy enough to be cared for.

And I know what you’re thinking, well Megan you have to love yourself first. So I’m really tryin to do that. Like really trying to. And I love myself. I really do, but maybe not enough? Or not in the right way? Because I get to this point and then finally I’m like whoaaa pump the breaks mister, this really big thing happened to me a few months ago and to my surprise I’m not over it and it’s really haunting every aspect of my life. Because I just feel alone and then I try and meet people to not feel so alone, but it doesn’t change that feeling and it doesnt make it go away and it just makes me feel like more of a loser because I dont want to hang out with people and I can’t date anyone because I am constantly thinking of what happened to me and I cant move on. I am stuck in a god damn standstill watching everyone else’s lives move on as mine is just waiting for some dark wind to wisk it away.

Will it ever get better?

Moving On.

Sooo this summer I’ve been really trying to figure my life out and learn how to be alone.  And of course, being alone for me is trying to find someone to share every waking moment with or to at least give a fuck every once in a while (enough to comfort me when I have nightmares and someone to go to the store with me when I don’t want to go alone because let’s face it, who wants to go to Target alone at 9pm looking like a loser with no friends?).  Since the incident I’ve been trying to latch onto something or someone else to get my mind off of dealing with it and replace the feelings of discontent with my life with feelings for another person.  This has lead me to people from my past that I have previously relied on to try and make them be that person for me again.  And boy oh boy, as you could have imagined, it failed miserably.  Instead of becoming one with my feelings and really taking them all in, I latched onto two of my old friends like leaches and practically begged them to fix me.  I don’t think it was apart to them how much I “needed” them because within the past 6 weeks of me being home I’ve seen each of them twice.  But I finally realized that I’m pushing my need to deal and making it a need to be with someone.  And not even sexually because I don’t even think I could handle that right now, but I just want to be wanted again.  I think I feel too much like damaged goods to be wanted by anyone, even though it wasn’t me who did the damage this time.  However, I finally realized that I can’t throw myself into LSAT studying or an old friends arms without dealing with my bullshit first because unfortunately it just doesn’t work like that.

❤️❤️❤️

She had short dark hair and a smile that could wreck you. When she laughed, it was almost too beautiful to hear. Your ears would get sore, but because they weren’t used to hearing something so beautiful. She smelled like fire and body wash. Every time you hugged her the scent imprinted on you, with strong and sweet both impairing your judgement to make you want her more. Her eyes hid behind glasses but even then, you could see the pain she carried. She was so careful and quiet about everything, but when she broke you could feel the weight of the world coming off her shoulders. She was so intense. Everything about her was so strong. When she loved, it burned. It wAs so blazing. When she hugged, you floated into the clouds and all your muscles melted away. She took all of your stress and weight away. When she kissed you, time stopped. It just stopped. It was like during the kiss, nothing in the world existed except her lips on yours. She was so comfortable. She could sit with you for hours not saying a single word and it would never feel awkward. Even when fighting you would still love her and know she was right. She was always right. But you’d still fight because fighting meant there was something worth working for. You’d scream and yell at her and hate yourself for making her cry but even crying, she was still the most brilliant, beautiful person in the world. One time, when neither of you were doing much of anything, you sat in her lap and just cried. Soft silent tears rained down your face because you knew. You knew you were the absolute luckiest person in the world to have her. She was yours. And you had never ever been happier. Tonight you lay drunk in your bed, crying. For a totally different reason. You cry because you miss her and you can’t believe you let her go. You miss her laugh and the way her eyes spoke. You miss how she smelled and the way she hugged. You missed her soft strong kisses and kissing her tears away. You’ll never be the same. It’s been too long and she is engaged and you cry because she was your soul mate but you weren’t hers. You cry for the days when you could lay with her arms around you. And you miss her everything.

I live for surfing pictures. I live for the way the wave breaks into a barrel and the eager stare of the surfer, studying the ocean water. I live for the pureness of the water and the calmness of the fish.  I live for the way the water has no bad intentions, it will swallow you up and spit you out if need be, but if you’re lucky enough to ride the wave, the gnare effect will take over and you can truly hang loose. I live for them. 

One step forward, two steps back.

It happened again.  I was laying down on my side and I couldn’t breath.  it’s not even that I was completely thinking about it, but I just was thinking about Kurt and was thinking about how much had changed and watching this movie about this girl who had sex for fun and I just couldn’t breath.  It was the most overwhelming event that I’ve had in weeks and I just couldn’t.  I froze.  It felt like I raced back in time and I couldn’t handle being where I am at now.  And I couldn’t change anything because I just froze.  Distant.  Incoherent.  Blank.

Have you ever just stopped and realized how wrong certain parts of your life are? I mean, here I am post incident, post break up, talking to another guy, moving on. And then about a month a half later I realize it’s all wrong. Luckily, I think he realized it too. He’s been weird the past couple of days… distant. And me, well, I just have been avoiding. I think I knew from the beginning that deep down it wasn’t there, but it just started to hit me ya know? Like damnnn he really isn’t right for me. In a way I’m releived. In a way, it makes me feel more okay. More at peace with everything that has happened the past semester. Maybe I just needed the sex, or the attention. Regardless, why do people need that attention. I don’t think I can be alone. I don’t think that I can sit and fall asleep in my room alone. Wake up and not worry about if he texted me back or wake up in his bed and not worry about how funky my make up and hair look. I can’t imagine not having these fears, not having these worries. I can’t fathom the thought of being alone, on my own, creating my own happiness. And how sad is that. How unfortunate. Maybe everyone goes through these phases. Maybe it’s just life. The ins and outs of how it feels to be twenty something. I think (therefore, what I’m saying is most likely 100% wrong) that in order to be happy I need to sever all ties and be happy on my own. Enjoy being alone, love myself, not worry about how to make someone else happy or why they aren’t texting back or why they’re being short. Just be content with myself.

Until next time.

Since the incident my body and mind have been reacting in many different ways. For the first week and a half I slept. I slept day in, day out. For the next week and a half I adjusted to the single/alone life. I tried my best to connect more with myself and just heal.

I hadn’t told my mom. I’m not sure how she’d react and I know she’d be there for me but I just need to figure it out on my own before I can drag her into it.  This week for spring break is the first time that I’ve seen my mom since the incident. But on my drive to az to pick up my mom I started getting short of breath. Almost as if my lungs were closing in and I was having an anxiety/asthma attack all in one…. I didn’t thinking anything of it until I saw my mom and suddenly had a need for word vomit. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell her or just needed to tell her. But then tonight I was laying down, thinking once again about what happened and I sat up because it got hard to breathe and I just don’t understand. Why does this feel like it’s killing me and taking over my body. What can I do to stop it? 

Won’t Understand.

I feel like I’m living through that scene in Twilight.  Ya know, the one where Bella and vamp boy broke up and all the seasons change, but she’s just sitting in her room, looking out the window.  That’s where I am.  Sitting in my room, looking out my window, realizing all the wreckage that has happened around me and not knowing how to fix it.

I was raped.  I was taken advantage of.  I was roofied.  I told Kurt and he flipped, just completely freaked out.  He took it as I was cheating on him, because it couldn’t possibly be rape.  I couldn’t have possibly been given the date rape drug, I couldn’t have possibly said no.  These are things he said.  These are things that run constantly through my mind.   Being with him for the past  two years has been amazing. Sure we’ve definitely had our ups and downs, but I thought he was the one.  I thought we’d get married, have a few kids, I’d show him the world and he’d give me everything I needed.  But we haven’t spoken in a week and he won’t respond to my texts.  And I never thought I’d be so confused and so broken all at once.  But here I am.  Staring outside of my window.  Feeling like Bella from Twilight, so broken, so shocked, so frozen.