1 step forward, 3 steps back. 

Last night I went to yoga and I always love going to yoga when I’m troubled or sad because it just makes me feel so damn empowered, it reminds me that peace is attainable and it is the answer. So last night after having an off start to my week I went to yoga. And I cried. If hr in the middle of class I cried. Leah, my yoga instructor, said something that really stuck out to me and she said. “Imagine what your life would be like if you chose peace over worry” And it immediately dawned on me that recently I’ve been so low and it’s because I haven’t been to yoga in a couple weeks and yoga brings me back down to my peace. It reminds me how to handle situations. And yesterday when I was feeling really lost I went to yoga and felt completely grounded when I left. And it lead me to this explanation for my situation with Matt. I have decided I need to be free from worry. And just enjoy the now. Because in reality I’m leaving in 10 weeks. And I’m not sure that I’ll ever be as close as I am to him now ever again. So I need to take advantage of that. But keep my distance from feelings. Let what happens happen. But don’t worry about the future or the past, but rather just engage in the now. Enjoy the now. Imagine what could happen if I chose peace over worry. 

Can I be naive and stupid and honest and just say that I miss Matt. After seeing him 4 times last week and not having seen him in 2 days it feels weird. He became part of my routine. 

Can I be selfish and just say that I miss Matt. I know this is stupid and I deserve more than to be a second choice. But I just miss him. Maybe it’s not even him but more so the thought of having someone that enjoyed me so much. That enjoyed my time and wanted to be with me and looked at me longingly like I somehow made his day a little bit better just by being closer to him, just by smiling. And it makes me sad. Because I know I deserve more. I deserve someone who wants to be with me. No questions asked but he’s just been there through it all. Through middle school, and then high school, and then college and past all my college boyfriends and he was there through my hardest point in my life. He’s been great. After every bad dream, every sad day, he’s there. And it just sucks because of course there have ALWAYS been feelings there. Always. But now that the chance has come, except in reality it hasn’t come. But now that it’s being opened up, I feel more lost than ever. I don’t even know why I’m considering it because it’s not an option. Not right now. Not until he knows what he’s doing with Sabrina. And who knows when that will be. 🙆🏼😩 that’s how I feel. Idkk what to do or how to feel or how to act but I know how I do feel. And well… That scares the shit out of me.