It’s been 4 months and 25 days since the incident. And I really thought for a while that I was getting better, but then I started talking to this guy and all I could think about was how much I missed Kurt and being able to say I love you and mean it and being able to be completely comfortable no matter what the situation, however no matter how much I miss that I really can’t get past him not being there for me. And I know I sound like a broken record, like come on Megan just get over it and move the fuck on. But I cant and I’m trying so hard, but every time I meet someone nice and get to talking to them and it gets good and then I have to hang out with them and I get distant and back down because I either don’t trust them or they aren’t Kurt and they’re not someone I can see myself with because I don’t see myself as worthy enough to be cared for.
And I know what you’re thinking, well Megan you have to love yourself first. So I’m really tryin to do that. Like really trying to. And I love myself. I really do, but maybe not enough? Or not in the right way? Because I get to this point and then finally I’m like whoaaa pump the breaks mister, this really big thing happened to me a few months ago and to my surprise I’m not over it and it’s really haunting every aspect of my life. Because I just feel alone and then I try and meet people to not feel so alone, but it doesn’t change that feeling and it doesnt make it go away and it just makes me feel like more of a loser because I dont want to hang out with people and I can’t date anyone because I am constantly thinking of what happened to me and I cant move on. I am stuck in a god damn standstill watching everyone else’s lives move on as mine is just waiting for some dark wind to wisk it away.
Will it ever get better?