Moving On.

Sooo this summer I’ve been really trying to figure my life out and learn how to be alone.  And of course, being alone for me is trying to find someone to share every waking moment with or to at least give a fuck every once in a while (enough to comfort me when I have nightmares and someone to go to the store with me when I don’t want to go alone because let’s face it, who wants to go to Target alone at 9pm looking like a loser with no friends?).  Since the incident I’ve been trying to latch onto something or someone else to get my mind off of dealing with it and replace the feelings of discontent with my life with feelings for another person.  This has lead me to people from my past that I have previously relied on to try and make them be that person for me again.  And boy oh boy, as you could have imagined, it failed miserably.  Instead of becoming one with my feelings and really taking them all in, I latched onto two of my old friends like leaches and practically begged them to fix me.  I don’t think it was apart to them how much I “needed” them because within the past 6 weeks of me being home I’ve seen each of them twice.  But I finally realized that I’m pushing my need to deal and making it a need to be with someone.  And not even sexually because I don’t even think I could handle that right now, but I just want to be wanted again.  I think I feel too much like damaged goods to be wanted by anyone, even though it wasn’t me who did the damage this time.  However, I finally realized that I can’t throw myself into LSAT studying or an old friends arms without dealing with my bullshit first because unfortunately it just doesn’t work like that.

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