Sooo this summer I’ve been really trying to figure my life out and learn how to be alone. And of course, being alone for me is trying to find someone to share every waking moment with or to at least give a fuck every once in a while (enough to comfort me when I have nightmares and someone to go to the store with me when I don’t want to go alone because let’s face it, who wants to go to Target alone at 9pm looking like a loser with no friends?). Since the incident I’ve been trying to latch onto something or someone else to get my mind off of dealing with it and replace the feelings of discontent with my life with feelings for another person. This has lead me to people from my past that I have previously relied on to try and make them be that person for me again. And boy oh boy, as you could have imagined, it failed miserably. Instead of becoming one with my feelings and really taking them all in, I latched onto two of my old friends like leaches and practically begged them to fix me. I don’t think it was apart to them how much I “needed” them because within the past 6 weeks of me being home I’ve seen each of them twice. But I finally realized that I’m pushing my need to deal and making it a need to be with someone. And not even sexually because I don’t even think I could handle that right now, but I just want to be wanted again. I think I feel too much like damaged goods to be wanted by anyone, even though it wasn’t me who did the damage this time. However, I finally realized that I can’t throw myself into LSAT studying or an old friends arms without dealing with my bullshit first because unfortunately it just doesn’t work like that.
She had short dark hair and a smile that could wreck you. When she laughed, it was almost too beautiful to hear. Your ears would get sore, but because they weren’t used to hearing something so beautiful. She smelled like fire and body wash. Every time you hugged her the scent imprinted on you, with strong and sweet both impairing your judgement to make you want her more. Her eyes hid behind glasses but even then, you could see the pain she carried. She was so careful and quiet about everything, but when she broke you could feel the weight of the world coming off her shoulders. She was so intense. Everything about her was so strong. When she loved, it burned. It wAs so blazing. When she hugged, you floated into the clouds and all your muscles melted away. She took all of your stress and weight away. When she kissed you, time stopped. It just stopped. It was like during the kiss, nothing in the world existed except her lips on yours. She was so comfortable. She could sit with you for hours not saying a single word and it would never feel awkward. Even when fighting you would still love her and know she was right. She was always right. But you’d still fight because fighting meant there was something worth working for. You’d scream and yell at her and hate yourself for making her cry but even crying, she was still the most brilliant, beautiful person in the world. One time, when neither of you were doing much of anything, you sat in her lap and just cried. Soft silent tears rained down your face because you knew. You knew you were the absolute luckiest person in the world to have her. She was yours. And you had never ever been happier. Tonight you lay drunk in your bed, crying. For a totally different reason. You cry because you miss her and you can’t believe you let her go. You miss her laugh and the way her eyes spoke. You miss how she smelled and the way she hugged. You missed her soft strong kisses and kissing her tears away. You’ll never be the same. It’s been too long and she is engaged and you cry because she was your soul mate but you weren’t hers. You cry for the days when you could lay with her arms around you. And you miss her everything.