I live for surfing pictures. I live for the way the wave breaks into a barrel and the eager stare of the surfer, studying the ocean water. I live for the pureness of the water and the calmness of the fish.  I live for the way the water has no bad intentions, it will swallow you up and spit you out if need be, but if you’re lucky enough to ride the wave, the gnare effect will take over and you can truly hang loose. I live for them. 

One step forward, two steps back.

It happened again.  I was laying down on my side and I couldn’t breath.  it’s not even that I was completely thinking about it, but I just was thinking about Kurt and was thinking about how much had changed and watching this movie about this girl who had sex for fun and I just couldn’t breath.  It was the most overwhelming event that I’ve had in weeks and I just couldn’t.  I froze.  It felt like I raced back in time and I couldn’t handle being where I am at now.  And I couldn’t change anything because I just froze.  Distant.  Incoherent.  Blank.

Have you ever just stopped and realized how wrong certain parts of your life are? I mean, here I am post incident, post break up, talking to another guy, moving on. And then about a month a half later I realize it’s all wrong. Luckily, I think he realized it too. He’s been weird the past couple of days… distant. And me, well, I just have been avoiding. I think I knew from the beginning that deep down it wasn’t there, but it just started to hit me ya know? Like damnnn he really isn’t right for me. In a way I’m releived. In a way, it makes me feel more okay. More at peace with everything that has happened the past semester. Maybe I just needed the sex, or the attention. Regardless, why do people need that attention. I don’t think I can be alone. I don’t think that I can sit and fall asleep in my room alone. Wake up and not worry about if he texted me back or wake up in his bed and not worry about how funky my make up and hair look. I can’t imagine not having these fears, not having these worries. I can’t fathom the thought of being alone, on my own, creating my own happiness. And how sad is that. How unfortunate. Maybe everyone goes through these phases. Maybe it’s just life. The ins and outs of how it feels to be twenty something. I think (therefore, what I’m saying is most likely 100% wrong) that in order to be happy I need to sever all ties and be happy on my own. Enjoy being alone, love myself, not worry about how to make someone else happy or why they aren’t texting back or why they’re being short. Just be content with myself.

Until next time.