Since the incident my body and mind have been reacting in many different ways. For the first week and a half I slept. I slept day in, day out. For the next week and a half I adjusted to the single/alone life. I tried my best to connect more with myself and just heal.
I hadn’t told my mom. I’m not sure how she’d react and I know she’d be there for me but I just need to figure it out on my own before I can drag her into it. This week for spring break is the first time that I’ve seen my mom since the incident. But on my drive to az to pick up my mom I started getting short of breath. Almost as if my lungs were closing in and I was having an anxiety/asthma attack all in one…. I didn’t thinking anything of it until I saw my mom and suddenly had a need for word vomit. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell her or just needed to tell her. But then tonight I was laying down, thinking once again about what happened and I sat up because it got hard to breathe and I just don’t understand. Why does this feel like it’s killing me and taking over my body. What can I do to stop it?
I feel like I’m living through that scene in Twilight. Ya know, the one where Bella and vamp boy broke up and all the seasons change, but she’s just sitting in her room, looking out the window. That’s where I am. Sitting in my room, looking out my window, realizing all the wreckage that has happened around me and not knowing how to fix it.
I was raped. I was taken advantage of. I was roofied. I told Kurt and he flipped, just completely freaked out. He took it as I was cheating on him, because it couldn’t possibly be rape. I couldn’t have possibly been given the date rape drug, I couldn’t have possibly said no. These are things he said. These are things that run constantly through my mind. Being with him for the past two years has been amazing. Sure we’ve definitely had our ups and downs, but I thought he was the one. I thought we’d get married, have a few kids, I’d show him the world and he’d give me everything I needed. But we haven’t spoken in a week and he won’t respond to my texts. And I never thought I’d be so confused and so broken all at once. But here I am. Staring outside of my window. Feeling like Bella from Twilight, so broken, so shocked, so frozen.